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Category: Philosophy (page 1 of 3)

How to get people to like you: 101

The all pervasive dilemma of mind vs heart.

We hear what we want to hear.

We see what we want to see.

Even when we know that the truth is far from what we hear and see. But the heart wants what the heart wants.

How right is it to blame the other person when things don’t turn out our way? How right is it to put the blame on someone else when it was you who chose to hear and see what you wanted to? How right is it to channelise all your rage on someone else when one should be introspecting and seeing where things went wrong?

A lot of people on Twitter these days are calling out “fuckbois”. A term used to refer to men who flirt with multiple women at the same time, lead them on, date them only for their body and move on once they’re done.  I agree, there are tons of men out there who do exactly that. So are tons of women who do exactly that too.

But since most women are calling out fuckbois in their lives, as a woman, I can say I understand where they are coming from. If a man has deliberately led them on, made false promises, explicit or implied, there is no excuse for such terrible behaviour.

However, what if them men keep running away from some woman because she is clingy, hateful, abusive, cruel? Please don’t tell me women can’t do that, women can be as vicious as any other man out there. Maybe after meeting first few times, the men thought they’d be happier without them than keeping a long term association? What if the men never had any intention of getting romantically involved with you, but you misinterpreted the politeness or niceness for love, because desperation?

Desperation makes us do strange things. I’ve been there, done that. I’ve misinterpreted someone’s goodness for their romantic interest in me, only to be left alone, abandoned. And this has happened more than once. So I know exactly how it feels. I’ve known someone who, after watching a movie with me (I hate Love Aaj Kal) stopped talking to me completely. Before that we’d be talking all the time. Someone else asked me out on one Valentine’s Day, and then got married to his childhood sweetheart in April that year.  (Surprisingly, both IIMA grads. Assholes.)

But is it their fault? Perhaps the second guy, yes. He was a fuckboi. Asshole. But the first one I mentioned, no. He never made any promises. He never told me he had feelings for me. In fact, he always told me how he likes a batchmate of his, who is in an abusive relationship with another batchmate of his. But then, that’s that. He never took me for a ride. Why should I, then accuse him of breaking my heart? Yes, my heart was broken, I felt terrible, cried myself to sleep. But then, it was not his fault.

Having said that, I also know how hateful some women could be even in day to day conversations. A friend has a terrible habit of being emotionally manipulative. She regularly likes to play mind games where she’d say something which has a reference in conversation she would have had with a common friend, just to see my reactions and gauge if we have ‘talked about her behind her back’.  She’s so hateful and exudes so much negativity, even I’d not like to be hanging out around her. I’d rather have my peace of mind than walk around on eggshells all the time.

So, perhaps, not all men are assholes for not reciprocating your imagined love. Perhaps changing a bit of your own behaviour to be generally likeable could help.

Stop. Being. Horrible.

Being the bigger person

I like to believe I am much sorted mentally. There was a rough phase in my life where I felt severely directionless and extremely unhappy. I have dragged myself out of that self loath and it was not easy. However, as an introvert and emotional person who doesn’t like confrontation, I take things to heart.

Recently, though, I stopped being a pushover and that has ruffled up quite a few feathers in the family. I have just started putting myself above what others think about me, and apparently, people can’t digest it well. I’m sorry, but my mental health is more important than what you feel because I did not want to tell you the price of kurta I am wearing. (people are shallow.)

Anyway, by doing that, I have also started letting go of things easily. The lesser I cared about how they made me feel, the more I felt empowered and felt like a bigger person who has reached the zen state where others were so insignificant that their behaviour stopped bothering me.

This is on Twitter too. Earlier, the abuses would get to me. I tried really hard not to offend people. Saying the “politically correct” thing always so that not to come across as a Modi supporter. But then, I realised, why not? Why try so hard to be politically correct, when it is so easy to actually be yourself.

Those who matter will respect your differing view point. And then those who take an offence, should probably read my draft folder to see what I’ve written/tweeted is just tip of the iceberg.

That’s the thing.

Being the bigger person makes me feel much better.

Desperation

We are all desperate.

Desperate to fit in. To be accepted by everyone in the traditional, societal norms. By looks, thoughts, behaviour. Desperate to lose those last 5 kilos to have the perfect body. Desperate to have similar thoughts as widely accepted thoughts so that you are accepted by the majority. Desperate to behave in a certain manner which is the norms so that you don’t stand out.

Desperate to stay in the good books of someone that we compromise or kill the work ethics one should have?  Thin line between being super desperate to be in good books of everyone and being insecure. Both stem from not really being good at what you do.

Desperate to love and be loved. We’ve all been there, done that. We are so blinded by the desperation at times that the mind sees what the heart wants to see. We are oblivious to all sort of logic because we are so desperate for things to work out the way we want them to work out that we do not see the facts that are for everyone else to see.

Our desperation blinds us from accepting the truth that the imagery we had built up in our heads is not really the reality. When reality is thrown at us, we tend to be in denial mode because how can something we had thought to be so true be so wrong? The perception we build in our desperation breaks us, ruins us.

What can we really do to overcome this? How about a reality check every once in a while? How about asking, instead of assuming, every once in a while? How about not losing your senses when things don’t turn up the way you want them to?

In the desperate rush to get what you want, do not lose out on what you have.

As a wise person once said, never go full retard.

The Butterfly Effect

The Butterfly Effect

We all have read or heard about The Chaos Theory or The Butterfly Effect. How systems are highly sensitive to initial conditions. How everything is unpredictable. How a seemingly insignificant decision taken today has a drastic outcome in the future.

A butterfly flaps its wings in New Mexico and a hurricane occurs in China. For the hurricane to occur in China a few months down the line, the butterfly must flap its wings at that precise moment. Everything you do or say or don’t do or don’t say is a decision you are making and that will have repercussion in future.

We are rarely mindful of our actions. But since we do not know how the future will unfold, does it really matter? You may invest a certain amount in bank deposit, which seems like a very secured option today, but we really do not know whether at the time of maturity of the deposit, whether the bank will collapse and your investment gone.

We are in the situation we are today because of the choices we made, and sometimes, by the choices others made. You meet someone, fall in love, but the other person decides to walk out of your life. It was your decision to fall in love, but not yours to walk out of it. So, are you also in the situation you are because of the choice the other person made? But then, it could also point out to the fact that before he/she chose to walk out of your life, you chose to fall in love with that person. So, yes, by extension, it still is your choice.

So what exactly do you do? Do you sit around, waiting for things to come your way, thinking that you are destined to get whatever you get, irrespective of your efforts or do you go out and fight, despite knowing that the Universe is a bitch?

I don’t know.

I think I’ll pray.

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