Will Write For Coffee

and food and vacations, too.

Author: Nirwa Mehta (page 2 of 91)

Desperation

We are all desperate.

Desperate to fit in. To be accepted by everyone in the traditional, societal norms. By looks, thoughts, behaviour. Desperate to lose those last 5 kilos to have the perfect body. Desperate to have similar thoughts as widely accepted thoughts so that you are accepted by the majority. Desperate to behave in a certain manner which is the norms so that you don’t stand out.

Desperate to stay in the good books of someone that we compromise or kill the work ethics one should have?  Thin line between being super desperate to be in good books of everyone and being insecure. Both stem from not really being good at what you do.

Desperate to love and be loved. We’ve all been there, done that. We are so blinded by the desperation at times that the mind sees what the heart wants to see. We are oblivious to all sort of logic because we are so desperate for things to work out the way we want them to work out that we do not see the facts that are for everyone else to see.

Our desperation blinds us from accepting the truth that the imagery we had built up in our heads is not really the reality. When reality is thrown at us, we tend to be in denial mode because how can something we had thought to be so true be so wrong? The perception we build in our desperation breaks us, ruins us.

What can we really do to overcome this? How about a reality check every once in a while? How about asking, instead of assuming, every once in a while? How about not losing your senses when things don’t turn up the way you want them to?

In the desperate rush to get what you want, do not lose out on what you have.

As a wise person once said, never go full retard.

Emotional Baggage And Bitterness

I have been on the Internet since the beginning of time. The Internet has been my childhood friend, real and imaginary. Growing up socially awkward (otherwise awesome), I have read up things and come across so many people that I could consider myself a fairly good judge of people.

One thing that stands out here is how bitter people are over the Internet. So many derive sadistic pleasure by just being vile because of the anonymity Internet allows. There are also people here who bring with them years and years of emotional baggage. Of heartbreak, of setbacks, of the love lost. Of being bullied because you do not fit into the societal norm of being ‘normal’. We have all been there. The Internet has also been very accepting of us lot, the ones who are not ‘normal’.

But a growing trend I have seen over last few years (because as you grow older, you become more of an observer than an participant) is that people over the Internet are very bitter. They are unhappy, they are sad, they are broken (some because of what they’ve gone through, but mostly, because of how they react to what they have gone through) and are extremely bitter.

Their idea of happiness stems from other’s misery. If they have been bullied in their younger days, they double up as social justice warriors with a mob, who bully anyone who doesn’t agree with them. They are, in effect, just what they are fighting against, no? Back in 2012 I had a tumblr which was my everyday struggles online journal. I had forgotten how I an acquaintance over Twitter knew of the tumblr. I would write about my insecurities and little joys, and this guy would leave really mean comments. (don’t ask me how I figured it out, there is a reason I keep insisting Ajit Doval sir to hire me) He was really nice and supportive over WhatsApp and DM, but really, really cruel when he was armed with anonymity. It took me a long time to get over it. (he was really awful, Abhishek, if you’re reading this, you’re an asshole.)

But then I realised he was bitter towards me because he was extremely unhappy and bitter himself. He derived sadistic pleasure in making me feel miserable because he himself was so miserable in his life (perhaps because not really doing that well in his career has his parents might have expected/hoped for). I don’t really feel bad about that episode anymore (because 5 years have passed since then) but every once in a while I think of it and kick myself for developing a minor crush on this guy who was such an jackass to me.

Similarly, there are so many people I know of over Twitter who are fighting their own struggles and battles, but have in turn become so bitter. Some are lonely in their lives after a bitter break up or a divorce, some are bitter because they have always been bullied about their weight, some are bitter because of personal tragedies like death of a loved one and inability to cope with it without being a complete maniac, while some are lonely and bitter because they have such poor attitude, or clingy nature or just epitome of rudeness that they lose friends along the way.

Carrying emotional baggage is the worst kind of torture one can inflict upon themselves. Personal tragedies should humble you down. When I know how upsetting anonymous hate could be I have always refrained from doing the same. If I know how hurtful something like bullying could be, I would try I don’t end up being one.

We all go through shit in our lives. We all just need to learn to deal with it ourselves. We have to fight our demons on our own. And no one is obliged to fight them for you.

Oh, and you are in that situation because of yourself. No one else is to be blamed. You are choosing to react in a certain way because of whatever shit happened in your life. About time you stop blaming third person for your bitterness.

Your experiences should make you better, not bitter.

Letting Go Of Past

I am embarking on a brand new journey. I am very excited and nervous at the same time.

Uprooting myself from the city I have lived my entire life in and the house I was born into to move to a completely new city. I will live under same roof with someone I have known for little over two years now. We have our own set of quirks and differences, but we are determined to go through them as a team.

I will be responsible for a home.

If RO system or pressure pump or motor or even stove stops working, I’ll have to figure a way out. Things won’t just magically repair themselves the way they do at home (mothers are truly magicians). I will have to ensure that groceries include nutritious food and fibre is part of diet (amazing how food is always ready when I’m hungry, mothers are magicians).

I am terrified.

There will be bills to pay and food to cook and office to go to.

But I am thrilled.

I am looking forward to coming home to someone waiting for me (or waiting for someone to come home), cook together, eat, weekend walks in gardens, brunches, movies, board games, reading, travelling.

As I step into a new world, I want to get go of the past.

Of the hurt, the heartaches, the grudges. Why carry forward emotional baggage about things and people who no longer will be relevant?

I am trying hard to move on. To not be hung up on people who have hurt me deeply. And I will. I am start a new life on a clean slate.

I hope those who have hurt me in the past find peace and whatever they are looking for. I am not even saying Karma will look after you. Because who am I to judge their deed was good or bad? After all it is my perception, right? And I am not even saying I will reach out to them and reconcile. No, I think there is no point in going back to people I have left far behind. They are no longer part of my life.

This is my closure.

Nostalgia

You see a lot of clickbaits which talk about nostalgia of having grown up in the 90s. Having grown up in the 90s, I do remember most of the things they talk about, like phantom cigarettes and 1 re cola candies, but I don’t really go aww on reading those bits. I don’t feel fond memories flooding my mind. One reason could be overdose of these articles which talk of these, but I think it has more to do with I don’t really relate to them anyway. Never liked phantom cigarettes or those cola candies. My childhood was mostly about coming home, eating snacks with tea my grandma had prepared for me and watching TV.

I took to reading pretty late in my life. I think around 10th standard that I picked up reading and enjoyed reading books. Before that it was mostly comics that I loved.

Tinkle and Archie’s comics. Not Super Commando Dhruv or Marvel or Diamond comics. I am completely at loss when these references are made.

I was happy with my Tinkle, Archie’s and Champak. After that I picked up Jeffery Archer and Sidney Sheldon (when he died, that I got to know Sindey was a guy) and Famous Five and Nancy Drew. At some point in my childhood I was given a collection of all Tinkle comics (not digest or double digest) which was hardbound by someone. They were some 4-5 hardbound volumes of various Tinkle comics. I also had a good number of Archie’s digests and double digests. I had read and reread those comics many times. Those days, one Archie’s double digest was for Rs. 80 at Crossword book store. My father wasn’t quite pleased to spend so much on ‘cartoons’. (should’ve realised I have expensive taste back then only.)

Sometime between my childhood and adulthood, my mom sold off all my comics. My entire collection was sold off without my knowledge or permission and I only got to know of it when I was looking to go through it for ‘old times’ sake’. I was heartbroken. The collection that was built out of so much love and care and it was an investment. It was the heritage I would leave for my children, if I find someone to marry and have kids with.

And it was all gone.

I have since then started earning on my own, but still never bought another comic. It is always fun when someone buys it for you. Because that just makes you feel like a child again. That an adult is giving you comics.

And I am suddenly engulfed in this huge wave of nostalgia. I again want to pick up a comic, lie on my bed and read myself a comic to sleep.

Sigh.

 

PS: In case anyone wants to buy me these comics, please feel free to click on this link. khi khi khi.

Nirwa’s Amazon Wishlist.

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