Will Write For Coffee

and food and vacations, too.

Month: November 2015

An Ode To CID

As someone who grew up in the 90s, if Sunday mornings were all about B R Chopra’s Mahabharat, Friday nights 10 pm were all about CID. (And Aahat too, which used to terrify me so much as a child that I am still not able to gather courage to watch the show when it was recently relaunched.)

But I’m here to talk about CID. This show has been consistently defying logic and questioning an average tv viewer’s common sense. Like, no one thinks it is strange that they wear snow white cotton gloves while collecting evidence at crime scene. Cotton gloves can totally not tamper evidence, right? Right.

And how the forensic lab headed by Dr Salunkhe, with Dr Tarika as his assistant, also doubles up as room for conducting autopsy. Dr. Salukhne and Dr. Tarika also wear snow white cotton gloves while performing the acts. And let us just not talk about colourful liquids in the lab. Today there were 5-6 glass jars on a rotating table with colourful liquid in it.

An episode some ten years ago went like this:

Mona Ambegaohkar : Is cake ke box pe doodh hai.

ACP Praduman : Doodh?

Mona : Ji haan.. Doodh mein jo fat hota hai woh is box pe hai.

ACP : Doodh cake ke box pe kya kar raha tha?

Some Inspector : Doodh box pe kya kar raha tha?]

ACP : wohi toh.

Inspector : shayad kisine doodh wale haathon se box ko chhua hoga.

ACP : shayad.

Inspector : Shayad woh doodh ka kaam karta hoga.

Inspector 2 : shayad woh chai bana raha hoga ya doodh ubal rahi hogi.

I swear I am not making it up. I have fantastic memory. I also vividly remember an episode where the case was solved by a burnt matchstick – where they traced the matchstick to batch of matchboxes and from there to matchbox company and found distributor and all for batch. They found the dude who had lit the maachis. Yep. Unbelievable.

Oh and the one episode where instead of maachis, the entire procedure was carried out for a ball-point pen. Ya.

Today they were solving an episode about death by radiation and this is how they were protecting themselves.

Saving self from radiation by yellow goggles.

Saving self from radiation by yellow goggles.

 

Yes, you just saw a bunch of sleuths protecting themselves from radiation by wearing yellow goggles. They have miraculously mutated themselves and evolved into beings where their rest of the body does not need protection from radiation.

Eventually, they figured radiation wala zeher was actually spread when the victim ate khichdi at a restaurant a week back, as the khichdi had radiation wale zeher wale baal.

Then they find a suspect, they go to the suspect’s place, a party is on. Extras are not sure what to do, so they just look at each other oblivious to CID’s presence because extreme stithapragna they are.

Now, the party is on, so they ask the host, correctly dressed up the most like Christmas tree, where her husband is. Because he is the prime suspect. She casually announces ki unki chaar din pehle maut ho chuki hai. YA. Husband died four days back so yay, let’s party. When CID team asks wtf dude, Y U PARTY? She goes “kisike jaane se zindagi to nahin rukti, jo gaya woh chala gaya.”

CID team exchanges wtf looks with each other when a dude suddenly appears and defends the host. He tells Team CID “maut ho gayi char din pehle. jo chale gaye unhe kya yaad karna, aap bhi humare saath party karein.”

Again, casually, Team CID asks them for her dead husband’s stuffs to match some DNA. Because, why not? She casually tells them bro, ghar mein party, kal aana.

It is at this precise moment, Team CID loses its shit. “Hum yahan aapse unki cheezein maang rahe hai, jaise ki kangi, brush unke DNA sample (?) ke liye aur aap humse party karne ke liye keh rahe hai? Jo manga hai woh de do warna poori zindagi party nahin kar paoge.”

Wife promptly gives kangi and toothbrush for DNA samples.

This is all ridiculous. And I have no idea how Kunika Lal is the killer. I had not even seen her before she was slapped and thrown on the interrogation chair (which is also inside the forensic lab) and asked to wait till she gets phaansi.

I have a problem

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I have a problem with people who refer to themselves as intellectuals. There is nothing more elitist than considering oneself above others, just because you have read more books or travelled to more countries. Few things as ironical as claiming how you advocate Gandhian philosophy of being tolerant while referring to absolutely anyone who disagrees with you as trolls. Apparently, the crusaders of free speech believe in having ‘intellectual debates’ only with those who agree with them, thereby killing the whole purpose of a debate.

I have a problem with Muslims being referred to as minority community. To put things in perspective, as per 2011 census, Hindus are 79.8% of total Indian population, while Muslims form 14.23% of total Indian population. Christians are 2.30% of India’s population. Muslims are 6.18 times the second highest population of minority religion in India. Which makes Muslims the second largest religious group in India. However, when it comes to asking about diversity in cabinet in government, focus is always on how many Muslim ministers? Why? Why does a minority minister have to be a Muslim? Why not a Buddhist? Why doesn’t anyone outrage on lack of Parsis in government? And if we are claiming to be as secular as we are, what makes you think a Hindu minister of minority affairs cannot think well for people of other religious beliefs? If we are truly secular, why should we ask others for their views, “as a Muslim.. ” or “as a Hindu..”? Last I read, being secular is all about not being connected to religious matters. Or just like everything else, idea of secularism is different for commoners and “intellectuals”.

I have a problem with people who vehemently insist that it all took 18 months since change of guards at the Centre for your freedom of choice, freedom and everything else came under threat.  You really believe that in a country where we have still not been able to get over caste discrimination since centuries, your freedom of speech and choice is under threat in 18 months. If nothing else, your stupid thought deserves a stupid #RoadiesSalute.

I have a problem with the same people who think freedom of speech is under threat are also severely condescending about democratically elected government. Oh, Canada has xyz in their cabinet. One minister is openly gay, and last I checked in India, homosexuality is still a crime. YES! There are issues. Like there have always been. As someone whose close friend is gay, I know about the struggles. I know how helpless I felt when he cried as he said “my love is a crime” because I truly didn’t have anything else to give him except for few kind words. I know. And how about ministers belonging to other religions? Let us ignore the presence of Najma Heptulla (Muslim), Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi (Muslim), Maneka Gandhi (Sikh) and Harsimrat Kaur Badal (Sikh) in current ministry. Let us also forget that the current leader of opposition is Sonia Gandhi, who is a Roman Catholic. Not even going to talk how former Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is Sikh, whose oath of office and secrecy in 2004 was administered by President Kalam, who was a Muslim. But let us talk about rising intolerance against minorities. Because #RoadiesSalute.

I have a problem with this unnecessary fear mongering and hate mongering. Please stop.

Restaurant Rant

I live in a city where people love eating out. We love food. From pani puri stalls to posh star restaurants – Amdavadis love eating and how.

Over last few months, a new fad of fusion food has come up. Which is great – we have Chinese Dhokla and Chinese Samosa and Kashmiri Idli. Most of these gambles have turned out well, even when we know the Chinese will probably faint if you were to serve them the Chinese Dhokla from popular food joints here.

But I’m talking about the new age “bistros” and “villas” that have come up. Oh, let us serve these stale bread with frozen vada with chutney that has gone bad and call it “Vada Pav Slider” and charge 200 rupees for it because log to chutiye hai na.

Or this thing called Pav Bhaji Fondue, because who wouldn’t want to eat that? Let us serve kacche baingan on hard bread which can bruise the roof of some people’s mouths and call it bruschetta because we are five star hotel, because log to chutiye hai na.

Or let us just cover everything in mayonnaise and cheese and deep fry them because Amdavadis love cheese. Let us overpower everything with oodles of cheese because log to chutiye hai na.

Or let us just roll these damned papads and stuff them with more cheese and more mayonnaise and serve them as pappadam platter with an alternate filling of chopped onions and tomatoes (with more cheese and more mayonnaise) because log to chutiye hai na.

Or let us just serve 2 tablespoon food to these hungry bunch of people and charge a bomb for our less than average food because when you open a ‘bistro’ in Ahmedabad, they need to understand it is a fine dining place and not a casual, cheaper restaurant as it is supposed to be. Between 2 people, let the bill run up to 2000 because log to chutiye hai na.

All I’m saying is, please experiment – but go a little slow on cheese and mayo. Absolutely willing to pay for good food too, but at least let me feel like I’ve eaten “food” and not a cocktail of cheese, white sauce and mayo.

This is why I stick to the restaurants that have been around in the city for long and am apprehensive of trying new place because it more often than not disappoints.

I’m not sure if the food served is tasteless or I have not developed the taste for cheese+mayo or I just have a bad luck when I go to all the hyped up place for a meal.

:(