Will Write For Coffee

and food and vacations, too.

Month: March 2015 (page 1 of 2)

Sunday afternoon boredom

So I am bored this Sunday afternoon and with nothing better to do, decided to update my YouTube channel. Today I don’t have a song to deconstruct, but then if you’ve read this far, you’d like to know what I have to offer, right?

Without further ado, here’s the new post. :D


Five awkward locations people stare at you

Now, let me make this clear.  I am not an internet feminist.  Internet feminists are kind of terrifyingly argumentative.  I don’t like confrontations.  While I do believe in equality, I’d like the being taken care of.  (just the movies I’ve grown up watching, I got to be swooned, won over and all that jazz.)

Basically respect for the other person.

Actually fuck this shit. Who am I kidding. This respect for all living is just bullshit. Why should you respect the other person just for living? No. I am not even obligated to respect other person’s views. This idealist scenario that you should respect other person’s views is shittier than a freshly laid pile of cow dung. But everyone expects you to say politically correct stuff on the internet because no one (except casual outragers who are all fart no shit who should be made to listen to mann ka radio song by Himesh Reshammiya on the loop for 48 hours straight) wants their effigies burnt. (in case you want to burn mine, let me know, I’ll send a nice selfie, don’t make a scarecrow out of my effigy because I’m cute.)

Coming back, to be politically correct, let us just pretend we all respect each other because why not.

That is not the point of this post. The point of this post is five places where it is awkward to get stared at.

Have you ever been stared at? No, not the intense, romantic gaze of Colin Firth in Bridget Jones’ Diary.  (yaar, just want to find someone who will stare at me romantically because I am the most amazing thing they’ve laid their eyes on.) But the creeptastic stare.

While a lot of us have experienced The Great Indian Stare, here are the five places which, in my own personal experience, are the most awkward places to get stared at:

1.  Paan ki dukaan

Nothing quite raises an eyebrow like a woman walking up to a paan ki dukaan asking for a plain meetha paan with no supari flakes and extra tutti fruti.  I am hoping it is because you’re asking for extra tutti fruti that you get stared at. But that is not really the case. You get stared at even if you are just there 20 mtrs way from the paan ki dukaan (or parlour or palace or centre or house or shoppe) because have eyes, will stare.

2.  Police station

Let’s just say police stations are the weirdest place ever.  Recently one had the privilege of visiting one.  No, no, I was not jailed. You’d have known because I’d have tweeted mostly because I’d rely on Twitter to bail me out because my dad for one is never going to bail me out.  He may just pay them to keep me locked up because good riddance. At police station, you don’t even know half the time whether the person is a plain clothed policeman, or a hassled civilian or a convict because most of the times, they are all creepily staring at you. If you shift your place to avoid getting stared at from a window, rest assured, the starer will also shift his position to make sure there is no angle left from which you can’t get stared at.

3.  Traffic signal

It is a place where everyone is bored and impatient because the red light has put a brake on their joyride. And no one likes being expected to follow rules, especially traffic rules. Hence, let us do the most logical thing. Stare through the windows of the car next to/behind us.  And while we are at let, let us be as discreet as possible because what’s the fun in staring otherwise!

4.  Driving

While we are at traffic signals, let me also mention how awkward it is being stared at while driving. This is more dangerous than awkward because the starer is actually looking at you instead of looking at the road and if he by any chance meets with an accident, it is your fault because leddis log don’t know how to drive. In my case, I tend to think sometimes (all the times) and when I think, I sometimes (most of the times) have a smile on my face (because nothing like laughing to help you ease into denial and self deprecation mode) and then people end up thinking I’m smiling at them and while I accept it is partly my fault for maybe smiling while driving, it still is not a signal for you to stare back, smile, follow me and ask for my number. Dude, I didn’t even notice you till you waved at me through the window. So, no. Please don’t.

5.  When you’re alone

Walking, waiting for someone, sitting alone and and reading.  Basically every place you are alone. While it may just be a harmless, curious stare, it just makes some of us feel threatened.  We do not quite have a great track record for safety, you see.

But then we all dismiss staring as a national pass time.  Because staring has become such a way of life that I insist we have a World Cup of staring and it will be a walkover for us Indians.  (now, don’t get me wrong, I am saying Indians because I have only experienced getting stared at by Indians. Do not lead a protest march or something.)


Abhi lunch time hai

Government offices in India have an old world charm.

Block No. 4, Sachivalaya, as seen from Swarnim Sankul, Gandhinagar.

Block No. 4, Sachivalaya, as seen from Swarnim Sankul, Gandhinagar.

In the course of my work as a journalist, I have made quite a few rounds of government offices and I am still fascinated by how imposing these buildings are.  Some of these offices have undergone makeovers.  They have swanky swivel chairs (the ones where I’m tempted to sit and go wheeeeeeeeee) and centralised air conditioning and furniture with bright formica on it.  While I’ve spotted many a bored souls playing Solitaire on their Windows XP computers (hey, I’m not complaining, even we have Windows XP at our work place) thankfully, no one is found knitting on their desks.

However, some things have not changed.  Not sure if it is a good thing or bad. But then these are the things that sing you are in a government office.

1. Towel on a chair.

You just cannot escape this.  If it is a government office, no matter how fancy the leather chair is, the chair will have a white towel on the back for god knows what reason.  Is this some sort of secret code of government employees which rest of us mortals are not aware of?

The conspicuous towel which is the variable constant in all government offices.

The conspicuous towel which is the variable constant in all government offices.


2. Sahab khane gaye hai

When I heard this for the first time, I was tempted to ask “kya?” because you know, #bribes but then decided against it because it was not a nice and polite thing to ask and alleges corruption on someone I don’t even know.  (Do I sound like a seasoned journalist already?)

But sahabs and madams go for lunch a lot.  And if they are not having their lunches, they are in meetings. Yaar, kaam kab hota hai? Did these bureaucrats clear one of the toughest exams of the world, the UPSC, just to hold/attend meetings? Should have listened to dad and taken these exams.

3. The curious case of missing toilets

While the Prime Minister and the Chief Minister are going all out to construct toilets in each household, well, someone tell them hygiene begins at home and please to manage to get some proper toilets in government offices.  For every trip to the state capital, I have to mentally prepare myself not to drink too much water and bladder control.  Maybe this is their way of encouraging Yoga too because Yoga is all about control and maybe it can teach us a thing or two of controlling the urge to pee.

I’m not even kidding.  Lack of usable toilets in government offices in Gandhinagar is number one deterring factor that I don’t have more breaking stories to give.

All I’m asking for is usable toilets. I will even overlook the paan stained filled corridors and atrocious money which will be spent on the Statue of Unity which I personally disapprove of.

Just give me clean toilets and no one gets hurt.

4. This.

These plastic threads are the shitzzz.

These plastic threads are the shitzzz.


5. Chai

Because government officers love chai breaks as much as they love their lunch breaks. “Madam ke liye chai, woh acchi wali lana, machine wali nahi” still trying to figure out why the sugary syrup is referred to as acchi wali chai.

After fuel, chai is the liquid which keeps us going.

PS: Since I migrated to my own domain, this is my first proper post. I am super excited for this. :D Show some love, ok? Be my beta testers and tell me what all glitches you face. Lord Ganesha will bless.

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