Will Write For Coffee

and food and vacations, too.

Month: March 2014

Be safe

Disclaimer: sexually explicit content.

Ever since my schooltime friend came out, I have been trying to be as supportive as I could.  In fact, I get very defensive if any derogatory jokes are cracked on homosexuals. Who are we to judge?

In fact, I have started judging people who are in denial about homosexuality.  I feel that as someone entrusted with his biggest truth in life, it is also partly my fight to get people to sensitise about it.  I am not even talking about the legal aspect. I am only talking about the human aspect.

His usual fear is of acceptance.  Especially if I am introducing him to other friends of mine. Straight men.  His first concern is not to make me feel awkward about it. “Will your friend be okay about me?” He has asked many a times.

I had to tell him explicitly the other day that I am not embarrassed of him.  That his sexual orientation does not change anything.  That if his orientation bothers my other male or female friends, then I’d have to choose between them and I would choose him.  My conscience does not allow me to be friends with someone who is an insensitive judgemental prick. 

You do not have to understand homosexuality.  I’m okay with that, just don’t tell me that “what if he hits on me”. Bitch please, do not hold yourself on such a high pedestal. He has better choice.  Especially in men.  Trust me, he’s gay.

Anyway, that’s not the point I am trying to make.  The point I am trying to make is on the strange perversion in the society.  It is one thing being gay and married to a woman and having children out of pure societal pressure.  I’m sure it is hard for them.  And I won’t judge you, because not everyone has the courage.

But then, what my friend told me today has made me feel kind of sad.

“You know, the top and the bottom? Top is the one who penetrates.  There are lot of men who like to be on top. They even want it sucked.  But, there is no foreplay.  They find it weird to kiss a guy and will never kiss.  It is always about them.  The ones who are married and have a kid or two like to be on top and will never kiss.  I feel so used.”

Everyone deserves love, no?  No one should feel “used” after a sexual encounter. Even if it is a one-night stand with a complete stranger.

I don’t know what else to say, except that I feel sad for him, for anyone else who is in a loveless relationship with a selfish partner.

Which is not surprising because in India, pre-marital consensual sex between two consenting adults is looked down upon while marital rape is not even acknowledged.

Someday, I would like to wake up to India where discussion on sex is a casual topic and not followed by nudge-nudge-wink-wink.

All I can tell him and everyone else is, well, take precaution.

Be safe.

Reasons why Gujju men are annoying

This post title does not have the number of reasons why Gujju men are annoying.  Mostly because as I start to write I don’t have a definite number.  But then I didn’t want to limit myself to a particular number either.  And then there is this OCD I have where I have to have an even numbered list, or maybe in multiples of 5.  (Precisely the reason BuzzFeed posts drive me up the wall at times)

Anyhoo.  As usual, I digress.

So, why am I so harsh on my brethren? Well, because they are annoying.  Of course, I’m sure not all Gujju men are like that and also a lot of non-Gujju men are equally annoying if not more.  But then, this is my blog and I write what I feel like.

Also because most men I’ve known till now have been Gujju, including family and friends, and trust me, I cannot believe how incredibly stupid, lame, insensitive, selfish and boring they all have been.

So, this is basically just a list of things I find annoying in the men I’m surrounded by.  Don’t burn my effigies.

* They lack sensitivity.  Basic courtesy, sensitivity, being nice – does not come naturally to them.  In fact, taking care, and coming across as someone who cares is an alien concept to them.  You see, if they show the softer side to others, if they come and stand by you when you need a fucking shoulder to cry on, they become less manly.

* They lack sensibility.  Because why not. Why be sensible when you can be devoid of any human emotion? Why appear like you understand and empathise with someone’s problems when you can be an ass and offer a solution when none is asked for? Because that’s how things work. A girl comes to you only because she wants a solution from you.  *newsflash: we do not always (most of the times) want a solution. Just listen, we just want to vent, so learn to listen, nod, say comforting words like, hmm, haa, hmm, ooh, and do not fucking offer solutions at every opportunity that rises.

* Their sense of humour is : sexist, racist and non-veg. Any intellectually stimulating conversation, which would lead to healthy flirting is ruled out because they do not get it.  They find immense pleasure in forwarded whatsapp jokes which is a “non-veg” joke only because it has Hindi slang words for human reproductive organs. Apparently, for reasons unknown to humankind, they are incredibly funny.

* They are selfish.  This comes from observation within family.  Maybe I am related to all idiots of the highest order, but things like, walking together when you are out in a mall, or asking other person’s opinion on what to order, or understanding that if you have come home after a tiring day at work, the lady in the house has been taking care of two children and hence, help yourself with water. Stop ordering her around. If she is waiting for you to come home to have dinner together, then wait for her for five minutes till she gets things ready – have dinner with her, not your fucking television. Yes, that may lead to communication and conversation and that is what you do. YOU TALK IN A RELATIONSHIP.  You also learn to enjoy silence between you two because that silence is not uncomfortable. Stop being selfish.

*  They either don’t have an opinion or they think so highly of their own opinion that they do not even try listening to others’ point of view.

I’m not sure which is worse.  How can you not have an opinion on anything? Yes, the country or world won’t change by your viewpoint, but at least have a viewpoint! Lack of it is such a turnoff. And even more put offing is the one where their opinions, which are amazingly flawed, are so extreme that you start thanking that the same gene has skipped the ladies in your family. Yes, I find most of my male relatives annoying.

Okay, I have a lot more to say, but I am bored. Also because I am angry.  But mostly bored and sleepy.

And I’m being bitten by mosquitoes. And I am sleepy.

So I will sleep now.

PS: Don’t burn effigies. Spread love, not war. If you’re cute, single and not annoying, you know how to reach me. *wink*

Good over evil

Today is Holi. So, happy Holi.

Holi, like any other Indian festival talks of victory of good over evil.

Holi, Dusshera, Diwali.. they all talk about how the good wins.

Who decides what is good and what is evil?

Why is burning to death of a woman, Holika, however evil she was, celebrated? And why are the demons evil? Just because they have the intense desire to be immortal? Didn’t the gods have that? How else do you explain the Dashavatar? So having the wish to be immortal is evil, but advocating reincarnation isn’t? (On second thoughts, I’m glad they talked about reincarnation, otherwise Jaani Dushman – Ek Anokhi Kahani wouldn’t have taken place. I digress)

And how is Ravan evil? Oh, despite being a great scholar, and a fabulous Veena player (I cannot even sing to save my life), a fantastic ruler, he wanted to overpower the gods.

“Overpower” the gods.  So, gods are in control.  And such is their love for power that they are willing to destroy a kingdom? (oh, and on an aside, the fact that Raam waged a war against an entire country for his wife, is kind of romantic.)

So coming back, who decides what is good and what is evil?

And honestly, who are we do judge someone else’s actions? Why the moral policing?

If you think something is wrong, you don’t do it. Why enforce your views on others? Especially when something or someone being good or evil is subjective.

With elections around the corner, one phrase I use and even hear often is, “we are not voting for who is right, we are choosing lesser of the two evils.”

What is evil? Narendra Modi’s alleged role in riots? Despite clean chits by courts of all level? Or the chief minister’s administrative failure where people, irrespective of religion, died? Or his PR machinery?

Or is it the 10 years of corruption? Or the prime minister who did not say a word when the country looked at him helplessly when scams ran into crores of rupees? He doesn’t even say “kathor shabdo mein neenda karte hai”. We Indians are so gullible that we would have taken his word for it.  That his kathor shabdo mein neenda will somehow make things better.

So which of these two are lesser of the two evils?

And why do we have to choose from two evils?

Oh, wait, the other option is Arvind Kejriwal.

Maybe we should all (broom)stick to the lesser of two evils theory.

(see how I carefully maneuvered the blog post to nothingness? I am just sleep deprived. And there is really no point of this post. Except wish you guys happy Holi, that is.)

On that note, good night.

My idea of worldpeace

Just because I’m not a beauty pageant contestant, doesn’t mean I don’t have dreams of world domination peace.

Of course it won’t happen overnight, but you got to start somewhere, right?  And what better person to give pointers for world peace than yours truly, who has been sending out to the universe her idea of becoming world president, in case becoming God fails.

Anyway, I digress.

Here are a few steps that will bring anger quotient in the world substantially and thereby taking us towards the ultimate goal of attaining world peace.

1.  Free, unlimited, uninterrupted, high speed, censor-free Wi-Fi. Because we still haven’t got technology through which trees give out Wi-Fi signals. #outrage

2.  A standard code of preparation of tea in offices.  And even coffee.  Which includes no elaichi in coffee.  Who puts elaichi in coffee anyway.  It’s like someone started out making tea, and midway decided to make coffee instead.

3.  Traffic rules for pedestrians and cyclists.  Now, I’m not sure if they even exist in India, and if they do, please implement *laughs till tears roll down cheeks, hey, one tear droplet just lodged itself in my dimples. OMG. I’m so cute* and if they don’t, please to let Anna Hazare know about this grave situation so he can go on a hunger strike.  Oh wait, is hunger strike too old fashioned now that we have (former) chief ministers staging dharnas?  Anyway, the point here is, pedestrians who jaywalk, while listening to music, and deciding to cross the road just when the signal for pedestrians turns red deserve to walk into a fresh, warm pile of cow dung.  And cyclists.  Because really.

4.  Lizard free world.  Because I want to sleep peacefully without having fear of a pair of eyes looking at me sleep in the darkness.  Or take a shower without prying eyes of lizzie babies running across as soon as you reach for that shampoo bottle.  Or opening a cupboard and not having a lizard jump at you because you disturbed her morning workout of running over your clothes.  There has got to be a way out.  Also, did I tell you 39 new species of cockroaches are identified in US and Mexico? Meaning, we all may just need to pack our backs and strap ourselves on Mangalyan 2 and become friendly neighbours of Mars Rover.

5.  I don’t really have anything for the 5th point, but I like to end lists in the multiples of 5.  Just an OCD of sorts.  If I end in say 4 or 7 numbers or something like that, I get very restless. 

Of course, you need a concluding paragraph.  And I don’t have much to say here either, except, my parents are travelling this whole week starting Wednesday and I would be grateful if any of you wishes to ask me out for lunch and/or dinner.  Mother doesn’t like it when I cook because it is “her kitchen” and she hides stuff, like garam masala and dhania powder and garlic and all.  The essential things that make food taste awesome.  So drop in a line if you wish to.

Till I come up with more ideas,

xoxo