I enjoy solitude. I envy people who have friends. I like sitting by myself in a cafe and reading a book. I wish I had friends I could hang out with every day. I share my little moments of happiness and success with complete strangers over internet (my tweets are almost 40,000). I wish I had that one special person in my life I could talk about my fears and failures without being judged. I wish someone had taken a moment to notice when my smile does not reach my eyes and coaxed me to tell the reasons.
I wish I could trust real people as much I trust internet with my feelings.
When I was around two years old, I fractured my right hand. I had a plaster for a while. I distinctly remember my nursery school teacher asking me to get up and come in front of the class. She made me stand there while she asked every student to look at “the brave girl who came to school despite a fracture.” That was the first time I realised I don’t know how to take compliments.
Two years later, when I was in Senior KG, a class teacher called out my name for attendance. She would do that every day. I was petrified of being asked to say yes loudly every day to mark my presence. For four days I would hide behind toy mechanical blocks but the helpers would fetch me invariably. That is when I realised I like being invisible.
I was in 3rd standard when my personality report from school said she does not express joy or happiness. I do not know why.
I do not have any happy memories from school. Not because I had any traumatic experience, but because I never could relate to my classmates. I was this weird girl who had two friends all through high school and none after that.
I do not know how to approach strangers.
If I have liked someone (mostly fictional characters in books and complete strangers over internet), I have hardly had courage to let them know. Well, you cannot tell fictional characters, and no one on internet takes you seriously. The overwhelming fear of rejection is so strong that none of my love stories took off. Even in real life.
Sometimes I wonder if I have put up the imaginary barricades around me so high that no one has tried or wanted to break in or if I am destined to spend life alone, on my own, falling in love with men who will never reciprocate my feelings.