Will Write For Coffee

and food and vacations, too.

Month: October 2012

Where top secret meetings are held

How To Pee

It is an unwritten rule, that whenever we girls are out in group, we never go to the loo alone.  Just like men bond at bars, we bond in “washrooms” (because toilet is too dirty sounding word).  In fact, sometimes, even if we don’t want to pee, we just go to the loos, because, we just want to chill. 

Some girls discuss how one girl (who is obviously left out from the washroom group) was a bitch, and was wearing wrong kind of footwear, and loud make up.  I once encountered this one girl, who said one girl looking like Rakhi Sawant.  Turns out the girl who got called Rakhi Sawant was the girl her ex was currently dating.  And no, no, I do not eavesdrop loo conversations.  These are just snippets you hear if you keep your ears open.

And how can you forget photographs? According to this made up statistic, 98% of all pictures taken in loo, are taken in public loos.  Because the mirrors are bigger, lights are brighter and some loos in fancy restaurants/hotels are too awesome to not take pictures in.  I wonder how long before people start creating Facebook fanpage of their own “Loo Photography”.

Then there are the employees.  Like of the mall.  They are there for their hourly break, because, they can.  Recently, I overheard a conversation which left me little worried.

Lady 1: Tum sab kutti ho.
Lady 2: Hum kutti to tu kutti ki maa.
Lady 1: Main roz idhar kapde badalti hoon.
Lady 3: Tu phir bhi kutti.

They turned to look at me, as I froze in anticipation of a girl fight breaking out, and laughed.

Lady 2 (to Lady 1): Jaa kutti. Madam ko jaane de.

As I turned to leave, Lady 1 said, “byeeeeee” as if she was my long lost friend. :|

But then, there are girls who go to the loo all by themselves.  Like the girl who is out on a date. She’ll go in to do some last minute make up patch up, and ensure her hair are well behaved.  And how she looks when she smiles in a certain way.  Mirrors in “washrooms” are magical that way. But this activity is no fun, because you can’t spend 10 minutes in the washroom and not get the date suspicious of you taking a dump in a public loo.  Scary shit, literally. HAHAHHAHA.

But most of all, women go to the loo in group because it’s just too boring to go to the loo all by yourself.

PS: The above picture was clicked by a friend in a loo in Bangalore. 

मन से रावण जो निकाले राम उसके मन में है।

     कैलाश परबत पे शिवजी शाम की चाय की चुस्की भर रहे थे। उनके गले पर लिपटा हुआ सांप शिवजी के कान में बोला “स्वामी, आज माँ को दुर्गा माँ का रूप लेने पे मजबूर न करें”, और हलके से मुस्कुराया।
“मैं सब सुन रही हूँ”, पार्वतीजी बोली। उन्होंने गुस्से से देखा और खुद ही हंस पड़ी।
“स्वामी, आपको क्या लगता है, जो राम और रावण के बीच हुआ, वोह होना चाहिए था?”, पार्वतीजी ने शिवजी को पूछा।
“यह कैसा सवाल है, प्रिये?” शिवजी मुस्कुराये।
उनको पता था माँ यह सवाल क्यूँ कर रही है। कल विजयादशमी है, और कल के दिन, उन्होंने दुर्गा माँ का रूप धारण करके महिषासुर का विनाश किया था।  और कल ही के दिन, विष्णुजी के सातवे अवतार, श्री राम ने भी रावण नाम के दानव का नाश किया था।  अगर सरल शब्दों में कहें तो बुराई पे अच्छाई की जीत हुई थी।
लेकिन, माँ को यह हरगिज़ मंज़ूर नहीं था की मर्यादा पुरुषोत्तम राम ने अपनी पत्नी सीता की अग्निपरीक्षा ली थी।  उनके अनुसार किसी भी स्त्री का अपमान माफ़ी के पात्र नहीं है, फिर चाहे वोह भगवन ही क्यूँ न हो।
“रावण तो आपके परम भक्त थे ना?” पार्वतीजी ने पूछा।
“प्रिये, आपको ऐसा क्यूँ लगता है की रावण निर्दोष थे? यदि श्रीराम से गलतियां हुई है, तो रावण की भी भूल थी।  वह मेरे भक्त ज़रूर थे, लेकिन उनको नारायण से मिलना था। उनको ज़िन्दगी और मौत के बीच का यह सेतु पार करने के लिए उन्हें विष्णुजी के हाथो ही अपनी मौत मंज़ूर थी। इसी मोह में उन्होंने पूरी लंका जला डाली।  क्या यह सही था? क्या आपका अहम् इतना बड़ा है की आप सही और गलत के बीच में फर्क ही न कर पाये? रावण का सबसे बड़ा दुश्मन श्रीराम नहीं, उनका खुद का अहंकार था।”
“लेकिन…”
“और यह बात आपसे बेहतर और कौन जान सकता है? आखिर महिषासुर मर्दिनी तो आप ही है”, शिवजी हलके से मुस्कुराये।
“आप से तो जीतना मुश्किल है।”
“लेकिन आप से तो बड़े बड़े हार जाते है”, शिवजी ने शरारती मुस्कान दी।
“हमेशा सचाई की ही जीत होती है”, शिवजी के गले पे लिपटा हुआ सांप बोला, और सब हंस पड़े।

PS: No disrespect meant.

Kaun Banega Draupadi Ka Pati?

@SrBachchan Chaliye, hum aur aap milke khelte hai, Kaun Banega Draupadi Ka Pati! cc. @DrawPaddy

@Dhrishtadhyumna @SrBachchan, kripya shaant ho jaiye, I’m the host of this show. plz.

@YoYudi checked in to Kampilya on @foursquare with @B4Bheem, @iArjun, @Sahdev and @Lukan (we’re disguised as Brahmans, lulz)

@B4Bheem dudes, check out that fish.

@YoYudi @B4Bheem, anuj, I’ve told you not to swear. also, since when did you start using the F word?

@iArjun @YoYudi bhratashri, he’s talking about the statue of that revolving fish (which looks creepy) @B4Bheem

@RajaDrupad Baith Jaiye Please, everyone, a huge shoutout for @DrawPaddy, my daughter, Draupadi and my son @Dhrishtadhyumna

@RajaDrupad Also, @Dhrishtadhyumna will be the host for tonight, and NOT @SrBachchan

@Dhrishtadhyumna Ok, guys, you’ve got to pierce the eye of the revolving fish by looking at it’s reflection in water. Easy peasy. *smirks*

@2ryodhan I call dibs on the fish.

@karna @2ryodhan #lulz

@SrBachchan @2ryodhan @karna, afsos, galat jawab.

@DrawPaddy @SrBachchan, dude, seriously? @2ryodhan b****, pls.  @karna *insert casteist comment about Suta Putra*

@LordKrishan @Balarama, bro, where are the Pandavas?

@Balarama @LordKrishna, no clue, bro, I was hoping for some fireworks.

@LordKrishna @Balarama, don’t look now, but look behind Shishupal (he’s so annoying), the Pandavas have come disguised. What is this, spy movie?

@iArjun @YoYudi, bhratashri, I have an “I” in my handle, and I can pierce that fish’s eye. Let me go, plz.

@YoYudi @iArjun, go get ’em, tiger.

@DrawPaddy, zomg, *MY HERO*.


@RajaDrupad, *damn, where the hell are those Pandavas, I was rooting for that Arjun fellow.* @Dhrishtadhyumna, unka peechha karo. kuchh to gadbad hai.

@YoYudi @MataKunti We’ve got Bhiksha, Ma.

@MataKunti @YoYudi, Yeah, divide it amongst your brothers and share. Sharing is caring, remember?

*awkward silence*

@YoYudi @MataKunti Err.. I meant @iArjun won @DrawPaddy in her swayamvar.

@MataKunti @YoYudi Abeyaar, couldn’t you tell me clearly?

@YoYudi @MataKunti Issok.  Your word is moar sacred than anything else.

*Meanwhile Krishna, Balarama, Dhrishtadhyumna and Drupada reach the place*

@RajaDrupad whateeseet? Is this buy one get 4 free scheme?

@Vyasa @RajaDrupad Shaant, gadadhaari Bheem, shaant. #Lulz (hey, @B4Bheem, no offence, mate).  This is all possible, and not against Dharma at all (1/n)

@Vyasa @RajaDrupad So basically, in her previous birth, @DrawPaddy prayed to @AwesomeShiva and asked for 14 characteristics in her husband. (2/n)

@Vyasa @RajaDrupad But all qualities cannot be found in one dude, @AwesomeShiva told her she’ll marry five men in her next birth who will have all (3/n)

@Vyasa @RajaDrupad These qualities.  Basically, she’ll become a virgin every morning when she takes a bath.  Not weird at all.  Now, c’mon (4/n)

@Vyasa @RajaDrupad Let the party begin! (5/n)

@RajaDrupad @Vyasa if you say so.

@SrBachchan Ooooh. Hooter baj gaya.

*and rest, as they say, is history*