Will Write For Coffee

and food and vacations, too.

Month: October 2011 (page 1 of 2)

Ta-ching!

Another Vikram Samvat year comes to an end. There are so many calenders we follow that we celebrate more than one new year. Of course, the CA geek in me also celebrates a new financial year.

Lord Raam has never been my favourite. (what, you don’t have a favourite god?) Also, I’m not a very religious person, I guess. I don’t visit temples regularly, nor do I do the pooja in the house every day. Though, I do pray fervently during exams, because, well, it’s at impossible times like that when you feel God is your only saviour, and you desperately hope he exists somewhere to make things better for you. (read you = me)

Diwali is obviously associated with Raam returning to Ayodhya from Lanka. (here comes the mandatory Pushpak vimaan came before aeroplane part). Now, if you dig into history, Raam is the strongest competitor to Jesus when it comes to religion being reason to war/violence. I mean, c’mon, why didn’t Raam get his birth certificate? That would’ve made things so much simpler. (do we bring in modern day Uttar Pradesh corruption statistics now?) Mayawati is a wise woman. She has made sure to leave her statues all over the place so that no one doubts she was there. ZOMG. She might be the Kalki avatar.

I know, I know I’m digressing, but then, hey, it’s Diwali night, I’m generally upset for all the things wrong in my life. And this is my blog, I’m allowed to say whatever I want to.

There was a time, when I tried, or I thought I tried, to manipulate the ‘universe’ in giving me what i want. then came the time when i just gave it all up, and waited for things to happen, when they are destined to happen. The whole make it happen vs wait for destiny to take its own course battle. Right now, I am just tired. And I’m not even sure of what I’m tired of. Perhaps it’s the quarter life crisis. You see, the whole career, life, where the fuck is it headed thing. But then, it just sucks.

I’m moody, I cry randomly. In fact, as I type this, I’m crying, and I don’t even know the reason. You know, I’ll let you know if I feel I trust you with my feelings. What is bothering me. If i don’t tell you, please don’t get offended. It’s not you, it’s just me that I have decided to trust a complete stranger over close friends to pour my heart out. Sometimes, it’s just easier to tell a stranger. You, on the other hand, are going to be with me all the time. Even though you may not say, you may judge me. Also, while I say you may judge me, i am judging you. see what i mean? So i’d rather not tell you what’s pulling me down. i’d rather sit with you, laugh and generally be silly, than show my weaker side to you.

Also, this time, I’ve decided that when i do let someone into the personal zone, i’ll make sure the person is a real person, and not just a ghost like figure. No, you don’t need to know the details. I shared a very special relationship with that friend of mine, and i am not going to let you judge it. But then again, I’d like a hug, time and again, and not just >:D< (the yahoo! messenger hug smiley, yes, that was there before gtalk took over)

So, what is it the point I wanted to talk about in this whole post? *there is no secret ingredient – kung fu panda* there is no point – nirwa mehta. and since this little space in the interwebz is mine, I will type and post whatever i feel like. it may be incoherent, like most of the things i usually say, but then, this is exactly what is me.

i am tired. tired of giving explanations and disclaimers. go away, everyone.

Ta-ching!

Another Vikram Samvat year comes to an end. There are so many calenders we follow that we celebrate more than one new year. Of course, the CA geek in me also celebrates a new financial year.

Lord Raam has never been my favourite. (what, you don’t have a favourite god?) Also, I’m not a very religious person, I guess. I don’t visit temples regularly, nor do I do the pooja in the house every day. Though, I do pray fervently during exams, because, well, it’s at impossible times like that when you feel God is your only saviour, and you desperately hope he exists somewhere to make things better for you. (read you = me)

Diwali is obviously associated with Raam returning to Ayodhya from Lanka. (here comes the mandatory Pushpak vimaan came before aeroplane part). Now, if you dig into history, Raam is the strongest competitor to Jesus when it comes to religion being reason to war/violence. I mean, c’mon, why didn’t Raam get his birth certificate? That would’ve made things so much simpler. (do we bring in modern day Uttar Pradesh corruption statistics now?) Mayawati is a wise woman. She has made sure to leave her statues all over the place so that no one doubts she was there. ZOMG. She might be the Kalki avatar.

I know, I know I’m digressing, but then, hey, it’s Diwali night, I’m generally upset for all the things wrong in my life. And this is my blog, I’m allowed to say whatever I want to.

There was a time, when I tried, or I thought I tried, to manipulate the ‘universe’ in giving me what i want. then came the time when i just gave it all up, and waited for things to happen, when they are destined to happen. The whole make it happen vs wait for destiny to take its own course battle. Right now, I am just tired. And I’m not even sure of what I’m tired of. Perhaps it’s the quarter life crisis. You see, the whole career, life, where the fuck is it headed thing. But then, it just sucks.

I’m moody, I cry randomly. In fact, as I type this, I’m crying, and I don’t even know the reason. You know, I’ll let you know if I feel I trust you with my feelings. What is bothering me. If i don’t tell you, please don’t get offended. It’s not you, it’s just me that I have decided to trust a complete stranger over close friends to pour my heart out. Sometimes, it’s just easier to tell a stranger. You, on the other hand, are going to be with me all the time. Even though you may not say, you may judge me. Also, while I say you may judge me, i am judging you. see what i mean? So i’d rather not tell you what’s pulling me down. i’d rather sit with you, laugh and generally be silly, than show my weaker side to you.

Also, this time, I’ve decided that when i do let someone into the personal zone, i’ll make sure the person is a real person, and not just a ghost like figure. No, you don’t need to know the details. I shared a very special relationship with that friend of mine, and i am not going to let you judge it. But then again, I’d like a hug, time and again, and not just >:D< (the yahoo! messenger hug smiley, yes, that was there before gtalk took over)

So, what is it the point I wanted to talk about in this whole post? *there is no secret ingredient – kung fu panda* there is no point – nirwa mehta. and since this little space in the interwebz is mine, I will type and post whatever i feel like. it may be incoherent, like most of the things i usually say, but then, this is exactly what is me.

i am tired. tired of giving explanations and disclaimers. go away, everyone.

Friend needed

One of the topic that gets often repeated on my blog is letting go and moving on. Or how I am sometimes holding on, rather, clinging on to a lot of things, that I refuse to move on.

Sometimes, writing about them is like some kind of assertion.

And here I am, once again, writing on similar lines.

It’s not that I am not happy. I am. But, there is a void. I will be there for family and friends, when they need me the most. If they want an advice, they’ll get one, but more often than not, i am the shoulder they cry on. It doesn’t mean I don’t get affected. I cannot detach myself completely from the people I love. If something is bothering them, it bothers me. They might feel lighter after pouring their heart out, but then, I am the one who has taken it all in. I feel pulled down by all the weight of their thoughts and feelings.

Maybe it’s all my fault. They didn’t ask me to take their problems to heart. But I am that way. I sense someone is upset over something, and they might need an outlet, I just have to be there. Probably an unresolved childhood issue to be that one important person who listens.

But then, on the other hand, I find it difficult to express my thoughts. I feel, if I am hurt, or something is bothering me, only I can deal with it. No one else has been in the position that I’ve been in, because it could be, at the most, a similar position, not the same. Only I can deal with my issues, and no one else. Also, I feel it would be wrong for me to get anyone else to be part of my problems.

There is so much bottled up, and there are so many issues with me, that I do not trust the other person to look at me objectively and empathise. I don’t want to hear, ‘it’s okay, life hai, khush raha kar, don’t bother’. no. i know, it all. theory sab pata hai.

I think, I just need that one friend. One friend who would not judge me. And listen. Just listen. And give me a hug. Which I badly need right now. I know, all my friends have good intentions for me. Even the ones I know only virtually, but it takes loads of courage for me to get talking. It doesn’t come easy to me.

One of these days, I will face my fears, and get that courage. I hope I find that friend soon.

Friend needed

One of the topic that gets often repeated on my blog is letting go and moving on. Or how I am sometimes holding on, rather, clinging on to a lot of things, that I refuse to move on.

Sometimes, writing about them is like some kind of assertion.

And here I am, once again, writing on similar lines.

It’s not that I am not happy. I am. But, there is a void. I will be there for family and friends, when they need me the most. If they want an advice, they’ll get one, but more often than not, i am the shoulder they cry on. It doesn’t mean I don’t get affected. I cannot detach myself completely from the people I love. If something is bothering them, it bothers me. They might feel lighter after pouring their heart out, but then, I am the one who has taken it all in. I feel pulled down by all the weight of their thoughts and feelings.

Maybe it’s all my fault. They didn’t ask me to take their problems to heart. But I am that way. I sense someone is upset over something, and they might need an outlet, I just have to be there. Probably an unresolved childhood issue to be that one important person who listens.

But then, on the other hand, I find it difficult to express my thoughts. I feel, if I am hurt, or something is bothering me, only I can deal with it. No one else has been in the position that I’ve been in, because it could be, at the most, a similar position, not the same. Only I can deal with my issues, and no one else. Also, I feel it would be wrong for me to get anyone else to be part of my problems.

There is so much bottled up, and there are so many issues with me, that I do not trust the other person to look at me objectively and empathise. I don’t want to hear, ‘it’s okay, life hai, khush raha kar, don’t bother’. no. i know, it all. theory sab pata hai.

I think, I just need that one friend. One friend who would not judge me. And listen. Just listen. And give me a hug. Which I badly need right now. I know, all my friends have good intentions for me. Even the ones I know only virtually, but it takes loads of courage for me to get talking. It doesn’t come easy to me.

One of these days, I will face my fears, and get that courage. I hope I find that friend soon.

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