Will Write For Coffee

and food and vacations, too.

Month: May 2011

Why Should Hazare Mind His Own Business

Dear Anna Hazare,

What’s up!? How’s your visit to the state going? So I see you are kinda shocked about the degree of corruption in the Land of Gandhi… So about that, I have a few pointers for you.

Corruption is a national problem, along with poverty, unemployment, terrorism, et al. India, as a country is facing a lot of shit from everyone.. I’m not saying that corruption is not an important problem we’ve to tackle, but dude, it’s not the only problem we’ve to tackle. You need to realise that none of the problems could be solved in isolation – they’re all interlinked.

Also, on a personal note, I find your so called ‘crusade’ against corruption quite superficial. I see your move as coercion and an easy way to get into politics. I would support the cause, but the means to it – fast unto death – is a kind of tantrum I throw when my mom doesn’t let me try my hand at baking in her kitchen. So I tell her, she can keep her kitchen and her food, and eat it herself, I will not eat. So after a point, she sees me sulking in my room, comes up my favourite snack and tells me, ‘chal, beta, let’s bake the cake you want to’. Of course, when she tells me that, what she means is, that ‘i’ll allow you to enter my kitchen, and you tell me what all ingredients you need, and i’ll make it for you, you stand there and watch, because, it’s my kitchen, and i don’t even allow my own daughter to make it dirty’.

So you see, when that girl offering you lemonade, it’s like the central government has done to you what my mom does to me.


See how clueless the girl here looks? You got to be blind to not notice that all this is a whole lot of show to garner publicity.

So while you were fasting, you praised Narendra Modi and how his government should be used as an example for rest of the country to follow. A lot of your *followers* were upset about your comments, because you know, Modi is the modern day Hitler.. and whatever happened in 2002 was nothing short of holocaust, right? Also, the state is so super unsafe that women get raped by policemen or by autodrivers, right? Also, the state highways and the national highways in the state are so lame, with just 6 to 8 lanes, minus the potholes!

Of course, it took you just a month’s time to realise that your opinion on Modi was completely wrong and based on false facts provided by the government! The land of Gandhi suddenly turned into the land of scams! Here I do not want to comment on the scams part of it, because really, I do not have that much time and patience to do the research and gather all facts to prove my point, but I do have a problem with calling Gujarat the Land of Gandhi. I agree that Gandhi was perhaps one of the most influential leaders India had, but that just ends there. He was not the only one. And he was definitely not the only one born in Gujarat. Yea, so we time and again use his name for random comparisons, like, “illegal liquor found in the land of Gandhi”, or “riots in the land of Gandhi”. For once, let me clarify, it is not the land of Gandhi. It is the land of people who live here. Gujarat belongs to all of us, and all of us belong to Gujarat. Stop using Gandhi’s name in everything that comes up! How come no one talks the same about “Land of Buddha” when they talk about Bihar (he got enlightened there). How come no analogies are brought in then?

So tell me, were you hallucinating then (because of lack of food) or have you changed your statement now so as to appease your followers? And I thought only twitter users worried about the follower count and became more politically correct when their follower count increases! Oh, or are you expecting to contest elections in 2014?

Anyway, listen, you’re old enough to be my grandpa, so I’ll not stoop down and insult you, but seriously, try not to get too involved in politics.. you’ll never know when you and your name will get used, and all that you ever stood and fought for will go to waste. Keep your dignity intact.

:-)

No hard feelings, ok?

ps – I read you said that you took the 6 wickets, in the 2G scam.. I hope you realise that #SirUMadeLakhs jokes were created months before Hungry Hazare came up, right? As I said, keep your dignity intact.. and stop hallucinating. Really, it helps, #TrueStory

The “H” Factor

I have lived most of my life in Ahmedabad. Despite what other people might say about this city, this city is my home, and I love it. I am also not well travelled. I’ve been to a few places in and around the country, but that’s not ‘well travelled’. Though I am in love with the idea of “travelling”.. For the longest time, Bombay was the southern most part of India I had visited.

All this changed when I visited Bangalore for the first time. There were certain things about the city which fascinated me… people with *really* bushy moustache.. lots of posters/billboards with pictures of these men put up all across the city.. of course, not to forget the full size, and at times, more than 2 times the size, posters of men in lungi.

Now, these could be actors.. or politicians.. or their sons.. or both.. which is a funny thing.. cos just like how certain south indian films remakes in hindi are awful, and are viewed by audience in single digit, most of which are paid to attend the film screening so that they can give review through various mediums, a lot of actors in hindi film industry tried to ape the south superstars and got themselves elected. Unfortunately, that one decision spelled an end of their movie career while their political career never took off (exhibit A – Govinda)

And then there are the cowboy hats for the traffic policement. I mean, really, what’s up with that! I know, I say that everytime I visit Bangalore, but then, its just not that easy to ignore it when you see that.. especially when you see two things together, like a moustached goon-like actors poster and the cowboy hat clad policemen.. all this while, a Kannada song is being played on the radio, where the female singer makes #haun-worthy sounds.. ensuring non-kannada speaking public get the meaning across.

But the most fascinating thing about the south indian cities is the love for the alphabet “H”. It baffles me completely when they write Sekar and pronounce it as Shekhar, and write Bharathi and pronounce it as Bharati. Why? WHY? why not stick to phonetics? And why add the extra “A” to names like Sankara (notice the missing H too?) or Siva (again, missing H).. ? Reading the name Haris was the weirdest for me.. one H is missing.. while one H is already there.. so how hard was it for them to just add an extra H? On inquiring about it, some people told me that the language doesn’t have the hindi letter “ta” and so, they write “tha”. as in, Bharath instead of Bharat. Now, nothing against it, but I don’t buy the theory.. cos if that’s the case, why an extra “H” in other names?

I would’ve written more.. but I am sleepy now.. its past midnight, and a weekday, so must sleep.

Also, thank you for the love you’re giving the blog, especially those who google nirwa mehta and reach here – special love and big kiss to you all :D

Open Letter to God

Dear God,

Hi! I’m not sure if I believe in you. I’m not an atheist – but at the same time, I am not sure I am a complete agnostic either! I do want to believe that there is someone up there ensuring that we get what we want when we deserve. Also, it is comforting in a way to have some invisible power in charge of situations when things go out of control.

I am not writing this letter to tell you if I believe in you or not, but I do have some thoughts.. they’re quite random and may not be quite coherent, but then, since you are the supreme being, I am sure you’ll get what I’m trying to tell you.

I don’t want to know the purpose of my life. No, really. I think life is a beautiful mystery and it will unfold itself as and when it has to. The surprises life throws at me may not necessarily be always beautiful, but then, I would rather get them as a surprise instead of knowing that an unpleasant event is to occur in not so near future, and spend sleepless nights trying to avoid it and in turn spoil my present, no?

Yea, so time and again I do get this feeling about what am I doing with my life .. being 25.. pretty aimless and clueless on what way the career is shaping up, of course, non existence of boyfriend :P and my awesome ability of being a creep magnet where the creeps of the male kind make me thank you that I don’t have a boyfriend like that. Oh, is that your way to telling me that I should wait for the One to come? You sly creature, you!

Which brings me to signs. So they all talk about the law of attraction.. and how you give us signs.. subtle, sometimes not so subtle signs.. and how we should not let our prejudices blind us from seeing them. Yes, so when you got me introduced to that creep on the Ahmedabad Bangalore flight, who followed me almost till home, I learnt the lesson on how I should keep my mouth shut and stop charming random people I meet. Really, what was I thinking! He was not even cute! :P And even though I say I like surprises, it wouldn’t really hurt to know why am I dealing with some people I deal with? Weirdos who’ve majored in weirdness from the Weirdness university and passed with honours and gold medal! I mean, seriously, what have I done so wrong to deserve them being around? You do realise I am generally a happy person, and the negativity in them makes me wonder how come their brains havent exploded cos of all this bad energy! So, give me some sign, this time a very clear one, on why am I surrounded by them? Why do such freaks enter my life.. ? I definitely didn’t attract them!

Also tell me, what’s with you and inequal distribution of wealth? I’m not even talking about the extremes here – if being super rich makes you crazy enough to build an ugly structure in bombay worth a few crores, it aint worth it! But then, why did you create money when you knew it would be the root of all evils? The reason for discord between families.. friends.. ? The guilt feeling of being marginally privileged than the people you love? Is this your idea of karma? If it is, then it sucks!

Hmm.. what else.. so tell me how it feels when wars are waged in your name? How does it feel people killing other people because you were supposedly born in a particular region? I don’t want to believe that you derive some kind of sadistic pleasure in seeing all this. Also, why the divide? Why couldn’t you have been just born as one instead of taking birth as different beings and then expecting people to believe that ‘all gods are one’. yeah, right. it’s that easy, eh? kuch bhi.

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough, will write again soon.. in the meantime, how about giving me one more surprises in my life! Really, life’s been quite boring for sometime now.. I don’t know what to answer when people ask me, “what’s new?” – so be your awesome self, and give me an answer to that question!

Till then,

You-know-who

What if Osama was in India?

India is a powerful country.

What if Osama was hiding in India and/or captured here?

1. CID team, led by ACP Pradyuman would’ve been called for where he would’ve ordered Daya to break open the door and one tight slap to Osama and he would’ve started talking like a piano. Of course, because of so many clones around, to check if he is the real Osama, his DNA testing would’ve been carried out in Dr. Salunkhe’s forensic lab, where fuchsia, green, blue, purple and yellow liquids would’ve been poured in random test tubes and Salunkhe will declare, “Mhaaii Gawd, yeh toh Osama ki laash hai”.

2. Random calculations, like how long has it been since the death of Sathya Sai Baba, Prince Williams’s wedding and how far these two venues were located from the place Osama was killed. Immediately, Astro uncle would be called to give his wise inputs and he will talk about the positions of the stars. Perhaps also predict where will Osama next take birth, and as who? You never know, in his next birth, he could be the POTUS :P

3. Aishwarya Rai, Priyanka Chopra, Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif would be interviewed and their views on Osama would be displayed. What.. if they can have an opinion on the Finance Bill every year, why not Osama?

4. India TV will call Veena Mallik and Rakhi Sawant and they will give their expert views. Rakhi Sawant will be jealous cos she only had 25 fools to choose for the swayamvar, while Osama will have 72 virgins. Shit. She immediately declares a second swayamvar and asks Arnab Goswami to marry her. Which brings me to Arnab Goswami.

5. Arnab Goswami. He would take credit of killing Osama because the only tv channel Osama inc subscribed to was Times Now. #TrueStory

6. Narendra Modi. There could be two situations here, Osama was in Gujarat and killed, in which case, Modi would’ve paved himself his road for 2014 elections as someone who managed to capture and kill the elusive terrorist. Second situation where Osama was killed in other part of congress run India.. umm.. something tells me he would’ve praised the army/navy/airforce/police for their feat, and ridiculed people like Digvijay Singh, who’re perpetually hallucinating. (no, seriously, what’s wrong with him?)

7. Ram Gopal Varma would’ve visited the site with an intention to make a movie on the same. Kanti Shah would’ve already directed and released the movie called, Maut Dharti Pe, Honeymoon Narak Mein, or Gunda part 2.

8. Rajat Sharma would’ve held a Janta Ki Adalat episode with Osama’s ghost, and asked him various questions on behalf of Janta, including, but not limited to, “Rakhi Sawant ka kehna hai ki aapne usse pappi li thi, kya yeh baat sach hai?, Kya yeh sab aapne 72 virgins ki laalach mein kiya hai? Agar aapko Dolly Bindra ke saath Bigg Boss ke ghar mein rakhne ki offer aaye, toh kya aap usko sweekar karenge?”

9. The people are happy, but they still don’t go about getting drunk on streets, partying for a week.. it’s not that we’ve won the cricket world cup, its just one terrorist dead, albeit under suspicious circumstances! We didn’t get to see it live, so it doesnt impress us much!

10. Last but not the least, in case he would’ve been captured alive, well, Ram Jethmalani would’ve had the case of his lifetime, and Osama and Kasav would be roomies! India would wait forever for evidence.. and well, one plane hijack and there goes osama with kasav! :p

But, then, he was found in the supremely innocent state called Pakistan! aww, poor guys had no clue he was hiding there! I’m sure, they are still waiting for evidence suggesting Osama was indeed in Pakistan!