Will Write For Coffee

and food and vacations, too.

Month: April 2011 (page 1 of 2)

Godman for Dummies

The first time my impressionable young mind got know what a godman is, was when I first visited the Akshardham temple in Gandhingar. Till then, only Ram and Krishna and Shiv and all those dudes were the gods. Suddenly, I saw people praying to humanoids claiming to be avatar of gods.

Intriguing.

We learnt lessons in school on how God resides in all of us, including humans and plants and animals, and how if you hurt/kill any of them, you end up hurting God, and getting closer to your residence in hell. Well, these guys obviously took those lessons way too seriously and started claiming themselves as gods.

And if you have a look at the assets of these human-gods, you’ll be amazed at the vast fortune they’ve accumulated in such a short span! perhaps, they *are* gods!

Sometime back, there was this man duping people in Ahmedabad and Gujarat.. he was claiming to be some mataji (yea, we gujjus are quite creative, most male godmen are reincarnated avatars of male gods, this one was a female god!).. he used to wear tiaras and go about blessing people and people were so astounded by his godliness they started giving him their hard earned money and other jewellery cos the male mataji had promised to multiply their wealth. Of course, he was caught and is perhaps in Sabarmati jail frying bhajiyas for the janta of Ahmedabad. The jailhouse rocks, eh?

Anyway, so when these news were the front page news in the city, I had made up my mind to become a godman too. I mean, how hard could it be?

First thing you got to do to become a godman is decide which god’s reincarnated form you’re going to be? If you think you don’t want to spend the rest of your human-god life in some other god’s shadow, perhaps you can start a new religion. Become a new god yourself. While there are some few crore gods already, one more to it wont skew the ratio! Plus, Hinduism as a religion tolerates, and in so many ways encourages new gods coming up, so that the original gods strive for efficiency. I digress. So, first thing you got to do to become a godman is select a god.

Then you go about travelling. Wear white/saffron coloured clothes, rudraksh mala, some marks on your forehead, grow a beard and don’t get a haircut. Of course, if you are a woman, you can’t physically grow a beard, so if you’re a woman, you may choose to going makeupless and also ditch marofy your monthly waxing and eyebrow trimming ordeal. Before you go to a city, you send your PR person there and get huge hoardings and also display your “darshan” timings. That way, people will come to the gathering out of curiosity – and the disillusioned people, duped by previous babas, will have their faith instilled again in one new godman. Of course, you should not feel guilty for “playing with gullible people’s emotions”, they asked for it the moment they started believing in you.

Have an innovative way of giving away prasads. A hug is already taken, maybe you should try giving a kiss? But then, be sure that you don’t go overboard with it – sexual abuse allegations against godmen aren’t uncommon! Claim your celibacy and refute all these allegations. They are out to get you cos of your charitable work.

Yoga is the in thing. Even if you can’t cure your involuntary eye movements, lay claims that you can cure homosexuality – that is going to get you publicity. When you are at the peak, enter into politics. Also host tv shows with hotties like rakhi sawant and teach her bharatiya sabhyata ke lessons.

Income tax can go take a dive, learn magic tricks on how to materialise gold out of thin air.

Whenever an allegation is made that you exploit and sexually abuse young boys and girls and not so young boys and girls, condemn these allegations and blame the ‘foreign hand’. Oh, wait, that’s what the prime minister and home minister do – as a godman, you are not expected to give explanations!

And last but not the least, give one tight slap to all those who think you are actually an avatar of some god.

ps – no offence meant, to each his own religious views, but on a personal level, i feel no human being is superior to another, and vyakti puja is something i cannot get myself to believe in.

Are you a brahmin?

So I have my exams (yea, again! I think even after a zillion years, when I’m on my way to hell, I’ll be stopped and asked to write an exam! bloody hell) from 2nd May.. and the exam centre is some obscure college, which I never knew existed.

So the task was to go look for the college so that I don’t end up spending precious minutes on the day of exam getting lost. You know how things could get under pressure! So today, at around 7ish, I left for the search for the exam centre, which was located in a shady, dimly lit lane.

Now, it could be my overdose of detective shows or too much of tabloid reading about not so pleasant incidents with women, but I was on my guard when I got off the car and walked up to the gate and called out for the 60-something watchman.

The conversation happened mostly in Gujarati, but I’ll convert it into English.

Me : Uncle, is this the Random College?
He : Yes, it is..
Me : The same place where CA exams are to be held?
He : Yes, yes, 2nd to 16th.. are you taking them?
Me : Yes..
He : Where are you coming from?

(at this point, I assumed he’s asking me which area in the city i live in.. unwilling to divulge more information than required, i gave a vague answer)

He : Are you a Patel?

Under normal circumstances, I would’ve found it offensive that someone’s asking me my surname just to judge me on the basis of my caste. I would’ve even retorted with a semi sarcastic/insulting answer. But this just got me a bit intrigued. I got kinda curious to know what’s going on in his mind. I played along the conversation..

Me : No, Brahmin.
He : You are a Brahmin! So am I! Which village/city do you hail from?
Me : Blah, blah, but our kuldevi temple.. or Siddheshwari Mata is in north of Ahmedabad.
He : Jai Siddheshwari Mata.. I am a Brahmin, like your elder brother, come here on the day of your exam, I will save a parking space for you. Bring your car from the other gate, just raise your hand and call for me when you reach, I’ll get you parking in the shade. That is the least I can do for a Brahmin.

Now it doesn’t happen to me a lot, but at that time, I was stunned. There was this total stranger, who’s willing to go an extra mile to help me in his own little way just because we are both Brahmins.

I didn’t know how to react.

You know, on my way back, I went over the conversation, and I tried to analyse why would a stranger be nice to me? Maybe he just felt nice that someone talked nicely to him. Maybe he felt good that someone addressed him as “uncle” (kaka (chacha) was the word I had used) and not “watchman”. That how important it is for people like him to be respected!

Why should you constantly honk at the security guard on the gate, just because he was doing his duty keeping the gate closed? After all, you were one of the members who insisted on keeping the door closed to avoid the stray dog/trespassing menace!

Why should you yell at the peon who forgot to bring your tea in time? You wouldn’t die if you have your tea 10 minutes later than your usual time. By the way, do you even know the name of the guy who brings in your tea? Ever wished him good morning?

If you have your huge inflated ego, the man deserves to at least have his self respect, right?

TwitterGita

@Arjun

has checked in at Kurukshetra with @LordKrishna, @YoYudi, @B4Bheem, @Sahdevrocks and @lukan

wtf – so thanks to @CrazyDrau, i’m now standing against my cousins. losing morale, @LordKrishna, #help

@LordKrishna

in reply to @Arjun #abbeyaar, told you thousand times, nainam chindanti shastrani, nainam dahati… you’re not killing them.

[This page is in Malay, use google translation?]

@Arjun

in reply to @LordKrishna but isn’t it a sin to kill people, esp my relatives and the #kvlt gurus?

@LordKrishna

in reply to @Arjun Go ahead, you are a warrior, and you must fight, as that is the path of your dharma. Also, don’t worry about fruits, pay attention to karma #rhymes

And just so you know, I’m awesomeness redefined. In short, the best amongst everything.

@Arjun

in reply to @LordKrishna #PontingFace

@LordKrishna

in reply to @Arjun http://twitpic.com/dashavtara have a look #EPIC

@Arjun

in reply to @LordKrishna omg! #SirUMadeLakhs that’s awesomeness!

@LordKrishna

in reply to @Arjun so you see, it’s all destined. go ahead – surrender yourself to me, I am the ultimate truth.

@Arjun

+1 RT @LordKrishna so you see, it’s all destined. go ahead – surrender yourself to me, I am the ultimate truth.

I am now ready to kick some asses.

In the meantime, #followfriday @LordKrishna for his awesomeness!

(ps – no intention to hurt any religious sentiments, and on a personal level, I love the chapter 10 of gita where Krishna describes how awesome He is! :) )

The World Champions

I am not a cricket person. In fact, when the world cup tournament started, I didn’t even know the names of all the players on Indian team in the squad. I mean, I had heard of them, was just not aware of who’s in and who’s not. In fact, I had never heard of Ashwin. So even today, when people get into debates why Ashwin was dropped and Nehra and Munaf were selected to play against Pakistan, I wouldn’t have much of an input to give.

I’m still not sure which side is called leg side and which is offside. I didn’t know that when the over changes, it’s not the batsmen who change sides, but the bowlers who change their positions in the entire field, and why left-handed/right-handed batsmen is a good combination. I don’t know what’s upper-edge or inside edge or seam or all those cricket jargons! I never played the game, and I know if ever I had to play, I would suck at it. My strike rate would probably be in negative as my hand eye co-ordination is zero. And if I were to bowl, I will bowl the widest ever.

But things changed when India played Australia and sent them packing down south. I had a wisdom tooth extraction that day, and I was so elated (or perhaps I was under the effect of painkillers and local anaesthesia which made me forget all my pains) and I screamed my lungs out. (I realised in the morning how that was not a nice decision).

I am not sure what was more exciting, India winning against Australia, in Ahmedabad, or the fact that we were now playing Pakistan in semi finals and how it would be the penultimate stop to the cup that had eluded us for 28 long years. I was not even born in 1983, too hard for me to imagine how it would be to become world champions.

When India played Pakistan and won, for a lot of us, winning that match was more important than the cup that day. We won, and we were ecstatic! In worst case scenario, had we lost the cup yesterday, the the victory against Pakistan would’ve provided 5 percent cushion to the loss.

The moment Dhoni hit that six, the look in his eye, the sparkle, I let out a huge scream. No one was home to high five, and I was a nervous wreck a few minutes back. And suddenly, we won. We had won the cricket world cup. Even though rest of the time we’ll be cynical and talk about how we ignore the National Game of India – Hockey and how no one sport is encouraged because of the glamour of cricket, for that one moment, it was all put aside. The nation prayed for that one victory.

And there we were. The world champions. The best cricket team in the world.

When Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar came on field, all misty eyed, all the men in blue breaking into tears, I will never forget the moment. I don’t know what the system is.. with respect to the t-shirt numbers, but when sachin retires from international cricket, they should retire the number. No one ever wears the number 10 in Indian cricket team.

All the articles, photographs, videos that I’ve been reading and seeing, make me proud every single time. I am so so so emotionally exhausted right now.

Of course, in a moment of frenzy, I did declare that I will marry Sreesanth if we win the match, I am now searching for things where I can prove that things said on twitter under tremendous emotional pressure are null and void. :D (i mean, seriously, with hair like that?)

Sigh, emotions are running high right now. I wish I could meet these men and give them all a group hug! :)

Till then, lets be very, very, proud of the fact that the cup that matters, is now home.

Older posts