The all pervasive dilemma of mind vs heart.
We hear what we want to hear.
We see what we want to see.
Even when we know that the truth is far from what we hear and see. But the heart wants what the heart wants.
How right is it to blame the other person when things don’t turn out our way? How right is it to put the blame on someone else when it was you who chose to hear and see what you wanted to? How right is it to channelise all your rage on someone else when one should be introspecting and seeing where things went wrong?
A lot of people on Twitter these days are calling out “fuckbois”. A term used to refer to men who flirt with multiple women at the same time, lead them on, date them only for their body and move on once they’re done. I agree, there are tons of men out there who do exactly that. So are tons of women who do exactly that too.
But since most women are calling out fuckbois in their lives, as a woman, I can say I understand where they are coming from. If a man has deliberately led them on, made false promises, explicit or implied, there is no excuse for such terrible behaviour.
However, what if them men keep running away from some woman because she is clingy, hateful, abusive, cruel? Please don’t tell me women can’t do that, women can be as vicious as any other man out there. Maybe after meeting first few times, the men thought they’d be happier without them than keeping a long term association? What if the men never had any intention of getting romantically involved with you, but you misinterpreted the politeness or niceness for love, because desperation?
Desperation makes us do strange things. I’ve been there, done that. I’ve misinterpreted someone’s goodness for their romantic interest in me, only to be left alone, abandoned. And this has happened more than once. So I know exactly how it feels. I’ve known someone who, after watching a movie with me (I hate Love Aaj Kal) stopped talking to me completely. Before that we’d be talking all the time. Someone else asked me out on one Valentine’s Day, and then got married to his childhood sweetheart in April that year. (Surprisingly, both IIMA grads. Assholes.)
But is it their fault? Perhaps the second guy, yes. He was a fuckboi. Asshole. But the first one I mentioned, no. He never made any promises. He never told me he had feelings for me. In fact, he always told me how he likes a batchmate of his, who is in an abusive relationship with another batchmate of his. But then, that’s that. He never took me for a ride. Why should I, then accuse him of breaking my heart? Yes, my heart was broken, I felt terrible, cried myself to sleep. But then, it was not his fault.
Having said that, I also know how hateful some women could be even in day to day conversations. A friend has a terrible habit of being emotionally manipulative. She regularly likes to play mind games where she’d say something which has a reference in conversation she would have had with a common friend, just to see my reactions and gauge if we have ‘talked about her behind her back’. She’s so hateful and exudes so much negativity, even I’d not like to be hanging out around her. I’d rather have my peace of mind than walk around on eggshells all the time.
So, perhaps, not all men are assholes for not reciprocating your imagined love. Perhaps changing a bit of your own behaviour to be generally likeable could help.
Stop. Being. Horrible.